Mullet Hockey Jesus says goodbye

As a Sharks fan, I worship Owen Nolan. Well, not worship per se, but I think he’s pretty awesome and good at hockey and stuff. I mean, he called the shot at the All Star Game in San Jose. Dude’s a legend.

So now that he is officially retiring, I wanted to watch his press conference. I’ve done it before, so figured that I should probably do it again. Unfortunately, it was held at 2:30pm pacific – that is, right in the middle of my Sports and Social Issues lecture. You could argue that the retirement of a player who hit a goalie on purpose could be a relevant topic of discussion, but this is LA, nobody likes hockey. So I did was any college student would do – stream it on my laptop with the sound muted, and make up what’s going on as you half pay attention to the lecture.

Dan Rusanowsky talks a lot, and keeps nodding his head. Is he a bobblehead disguised as a person?

It’s like he’s nodding to the beat. OOONCE OOONCE OOONCE OOONCE aw screw it, I don’t know how to put techno into words.

Random shot of Iginla laughing in the crowd.

Oooh, Doug Wilson.

SO TAN

He likes to tilt his head from side to side while talking.

If you ignore his nose and hair, he kind of looks like Paul McCartney.

Owen Nolan is totally daydreaming about hunting right now

Oooh, he’s laughing! I bet whatever Doug Wilson said was funny [NOTE: apparently, this was when Wilson mentioned Nolan's hit on Belfour].

Crowd shot featuring Brodie Brazil sitting all chill-like.

Todd McLellan looks relaxed for like the first time ever

Buster does not want to speak

Oh hey, Dan is talking again

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I am a hockey fan. I watch at least 100 games every year, write about hockey online, and even play the sport. And, like possibly dozens of other hockey fans, I like Kelly Clarkson. I own all five of her albums, including the the depressing one everyone forgets about because it had one mediocre single. Her discography deals with wide-ranging topics, like leaving a guy, having left a guy, being with a guy, never wanting to leave a guy, and wanting a guy.

One day while exceptionally bored, I thought of the brilliant idea: why not match Kelly Clarkson songs to NHL teams! Because songs about relationships match up so well with hockey teams, obviously. So, after listening to every Kelly Clarkson song at least three times, I think I’ve got it.

There are sure to be some song and team pairs that are a stretch, but that’s what happens when you compare a multi-platinum female pop artist’s discography with hockey teams.

ANAHEIM DUCKS – Irvine

This is about the lowest point of Kelly’s life, written in a bathroom of an Orange County arena. The Ducks absolutely suck and play in an Orange County arena.

BOSTON BRUINS – Since U Been Gone

Since Phil Kessel/Joe Thornton been gone, the Bruins have won the Cup for the first time (in a long time). They’re so moving on, yeah yeah.

BUFFALO SABRES – Hole

The hole referenced in the song is where owner Terry Pegula is throwing all of his money.

CALGARY FLAMES – Low

Low is all about a low point in life, when everyone is talking about how much you suck and look at you all sympathetically. The Calgary Flames are going through said low point.

CAROLINA HURRICANES – Hello

This is about how nobody is paying attention to the subject of the song. Likewise, I don’t really pay any attention to the Hurricanes.

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS – Before Your Love

“I never lived before you love” is kind of like how the Blackhawks didn’t really exist before they got Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane.

COLORADO AVALANCHE – The War is Over

Because the great 90s rivalry between the Avalanche and the Red Wings is all but over.

COLUMBUS BLUE JACKETS – Behind These Hazel Eyes

Just as Kelly Clarkson is once again disappointed by the guy in the song, Blue Jackets fans are once again disappointed that Jeff Carter and James Wisneiwski are not the answers to their being good woes.

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Fight On, for ol’ SC

Our men Fight On to victory

Our alma mater dear

Looks up to you

Fight On and win

For ol’ SC

Fight On to victory

Fight On

During Monday Night Football hosted at the aging Candlestick Park, a transformer blew, knocking out all the power. The MNF broadcasters immediately thought it was caused by an earthquake, freaking out and – after discovering that there was no earthquake – started comparing a blown transformer to the 1989 World Series earthquake. You know, the 6.9 magnitude quake that killed 63 people and caused massive destruction around the Bay Area. The most destructive and deadly earthquake in recent US history was compared at length to the sports stadium equivalent of blowing a fuse. Really?

And then it gets even more absurd with this comment as they switched back to the studio:

“I hope everyone is safe.”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? NOTHING HAPPENED! Oh no, the power went out! Everyone is instantly in danger! Never mind that San Franciscans and other Bay Area residents have lives through actual disasters, like that same Loma Prieta quake you were prattering about earlier. That comment is reserved for actual disasters and dangerous situations, not for power outages that were fixed within the hour.

I understand that San Francisco and the entire Bay Area is known for their earthquakes. And we recognize that – our taller buildings are often described by how high of a magnitude they can withstand, and we have more earthquake drills than fire drills. But that also means that if there’s an earthquake, we know how to deal with it. Our incompetence in driving while it’s raining is made up for by our nonchalance for quakes smaller than 6.0 on the Richter scale.

But that’s besides the point, because there wasn’t even an earthquake. A transformer blew, and the power went out for so brief of a time the beer didn’t even get warm. Yet it was treated as the next World Series quake, because MNF is stupid.

I love the shirt ends tied at the waist. And the pigtail braids. It's just so 90s.

I love bubblegum pop, especially late 90s/early 2000s bubblegum pop. I love how happy it is, how despite the songs may be about being lonely or cheating or being dumped, they always sound so peppy. And there’s always a music video that includes a large, choreographed dance sequence with the girls in midriff-baring baby tees. And you can’t forget the whispered/moaned “baby” by one of the singers.

That brings me to the purpose of this post on the long-neglected blog: I want to create the ultimate bubblegum pop playlist. One that will automatically plunge you into sugary-sweet nostalgia every time you put it on. One that not only has the bubblegum heavyweights of Britney Spears, Nsync, and the Backstreet Boys, but also the Aaron Carters and 98 Degrees of the pop world. And while I do love me some pop music, I am far from an expert. So this post’s purpose is to create a hive mind of sorts to have all the great pop music in one place. None of the current hip-hop-influenced stuff, just the pure pop.

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Following is a compilation of every animated gif I made for the 2010 San Francisco Giants (a few may have been made for the 2009 team). There are 18 total gifs, so if you have a slow connection I do not suggest viewing the entire post unless you want your computer to die. You are free to use any of these gifs, as long as you either credit Fools and Sages, @mymclife, or mymclife if used on an SB Nation blog. Please, no hotlinking.

Made specifically for the playoff run as an updated version of my previous Zoolander gif.

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