I am a hockey fan. I watch at least 100 games every year, write about hockey online, and even play the sport. And, like possibly dozens of other hockey fans, I like Kelly Clarkson. I own all five of her albums, including the the depressing one everyone forgets about because it had one mediocre single. Her discography deals with wide-ranging topics, like leaving a guy, having left a guy, being with a guy, never wanting to leave a guy, and wanting a guy.

One day while exceptionally bored, I thought of the brilliant idea: why not match Kelly Clarkson songs to NHL teams! Because songs about relationships match up so well with hockey teams, obviously. So, after listening to every Kelly Clarkson song at least three times, I think I’ve got it.

There are sure to be some song and team pairs that are a stretch, but that’s what happens when you compare a multi-platinum female pop artist’s discography with hockey teams.

ANAHEIM DUCKS – Irvine

This is about the lowest point of Kelly’s life, written in a bathroom of an Orange County arena. The Ducks absolutely suck and play in an Orange County arena.

BOSTON BRUINS – Since U Been Gone

Since Phil Kessel/Joe Thornton been gone, the Bruins have won the Cup for the first time (in a long time). They’re so moving on, yeah yeah.

BUFFALO SABRES – Hole

The hole referenced in the song is where owner Terry Pegula is throwing all of his money.

CALGARY FLAMES – Low

Low is all about a low point in life, when everyone is talking about how much you suck and look at you all sympathetically. The Calgary Flames are going through said low point.

CAROLINA HURRICANES – Hello

This is about how nobody is paying attention to the subject of the song. Likewise, I don’t really pay any attention to the Hurricanes.

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS – Before Your Love

“I never lived before you love” is kind of like how the Blackhawks didn’t really exist before they got Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane.

COLORADO AVALANCHE – The War is Over

Because the great 90s rivalry between the Avalanche and the Red Wings is all but over.

COLUMBUS BLUE JACKETS – Behind These Hazel Eyes

Just as Kelly Clarkson is once again disappointed by the guy in the song, Blue Jackets fans are once again disappointed that Jeff Carter and James Wisneiwski are not the answers to their being good woes.

DALLAS STARS – Breakaway

As the Stars are breaking away from Marc Crawford, Tom Hicks, and Brad Richards, they are emerging as better than before. And I’m sure its foot was in the crease at some point.

DETROIT RED WINGS – My Life Would Suck Without You

The fans live in Detroit, and the other local teams are either the Tigers, Bears, or Pistons. Their lives would suck without the Red Wings.

EDMONTON OILERS – One Minute

One minute, the Oilers look amazing and skilled. The next, they remind you why they’re not going to make the playoffs again.

FLORIDA PANTHERS – Long Shot

It’s a long shot that the Panthers will be super successful long-term, because let’s be real, the Miami sports market sucks.

LOS ANGELES KINGS – Beautiful Disaster

The Kings are supposed to be such a great team, the best in the West; they certainly have the roster for it. Yet, their season has been a bit of a disaster.

MINNESOTA WILD – Mr. Know-It-All

Everybody thinks the Wild are a trap first, ask questions later type of team, one that isn’t all that good. Yet, they’ve been a surprisingly good team thus far this season, showing the other teams that “you don’t know a thing about me.”

MONTREAL CANADIENS – Haunted

The Habs are haunted by the teams of the past, and the fact that they will never live up to the lofty standards that Habs fans now have, which includes possibly the hardest feat known to man: speaking Quebecois French.

NASHVILLE PREDATORS – All I Ever Wanted

All the Predators ever wanted was to make it to the second round of the playoffs, but then they realized it was kind of overrated.

NEW JERSRY DEVILS – Because Of You

Playing on the safe side and not letting anyone else in? It’s like the trap in a song.

NEW YORK ISLANDERS – The Sun Will Rise

The only other option I could think of for the Islanders was Heart of Glass, until I realized that’s a Skye Sweetnam song and what the hell why I am thinking of Skye Sweetnam songs? Basically, the song is about how things suck right now, but eventually they’ll be okay. I’d imagine that’s the only way an Islanders fan can stand being an Islanders fan right now.

NEW YORK RANGERS – Let Me Down

Just as the guy in the song is “only gonna let me down when it counts,” the Rangers and their free agent signings seem to always be disappointing to their fans.

OTTAWA SENATORS – You Thought Wrong

Remember Tamyra Gray? Chances are, you don’t – she placed third in the original American Idol, but arguably had a better voice than Kelly. The Senators, similarly, are the third most popular Eastern Canadian team, and everyone kind of forgets about them, despite arguably being the best of the three since the lockout. The lyrics are also pretty aplicable to the Heatley situation.

PHILADELPHIA FLYERS – Honestly

Kelly’s plea for honesty from her man is like everyone’s plea for honesty from the Flyers’ medical staff.

PHOENIX COYOTES – Don’t You Wanna Stay

Well, don’t they?

PITTSBURGH PENGUINS – Stronger

“Think you left me broken down.” Oh no, Sidney Crosby has a concussion! “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger” BOOM! Just as good as before!

SAN JOSE SHARKS – You Can’t Win

Besides the requisite joke about how the Sharks can’t win in the playoffs, this song’s lyrics are about how no matter what a person does, they can’t satisfy everyone. Sort of like how the Sharks keep trying to retool their lineup, only to be met with a bunch of people who think they did it wrong. But mostly this is a joke about how they can’t win in the playoffs.

ST LOUIS BLUES – Some Kind of Miracle

This slower, R&B influenced song is all about how Kelly thought there was no way for her to be happy, when all of a sudden there is this guy who comes into her life and miraculously is exactly what she wants. Basically, this song is about Ken Hitchcock.

TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING – I Forgive You

Fans are forgiving the Lightning for being foolish during their Koules-Barrie term and trading away everyone and signing no defensemen.

TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS – The Trouble With Love Is

This song is all about how love can “make you blind” and “believe a lie.” The belief that the Leafs will sign every good free agent ever by the Leafs fans and media shows how they are affected by love’s troubles.

VANCOUVER CANUCKS – Don’t Be A Girl About It

First of all, there’s the obvious Sedin sisters joke that I have to get out of the way. But seriously, just try to read the chorus and tell me that the Canucks’ organization/fan predilection for complaining about refs doesn’t immediately spring to mind:

Don’t be a girl about it / Cause I didn’t say yes / Don’t be a girl about / Cause I wouldn’t pretend / Don’t be a girl about it / And now you’re whining again

WASHINGTON CAPITALS – Where Is Your Heart

The Washington Capitals have no heart and suck in the playoffs (says the Sharks fan).

WINNIPEG JETS – A Moment Like This

Winnipeg got it’s Jets back, and so possibly feel like Kelly Clarkson did once she won American Idol. That they got the Thrashers is sort of like how Kelly had to do the From Justin to Kelly movie.

BONUS! ATLANTA THRASHERS – Gone