The only image that comes up when searching for this game.

I have two posts that I’m working on right now, folks, but last night something happened that prompted me to post a little earlier.

9-1.

Just roll that around in your head for a moment. Say it out loud, let the words roll off your tongue. “Nine to one.” That was the score of the Sharks-Flames game last night, a game between two playoff teams that should have been a lot closer. A franchise-record eight different players scored for the Sharks in the rout. Every player on the second and third lines scored at least a goal and assist. Heatley was the only player on the top line to score a goal. Joe Thornton only got one assist. And Torrey Mitchell, Jody Shelley, Kent Huskins, Marc-Edouard Vlasic, Evgeni Nabokov, and Thomas Greiss were the only players on the Sharks roster that did not get at least a point – and two of those players are goalies.

Just take a look at the box score:

1st Period
04:07     SJS     Joe Pavelski (10) Wrist Shot – Assists: D. Murray (9) & J. Ortmeyer (6)
06:20     SJS     Manny Malhotra (8) Wrist Shot – Assists: D. Boyle (30) & J. Pavelski (14)
14:34     SJS     Scott Nichol (2) Backhand – Assists: D. Setoguchi (6) & R. Blake (10)
2nd Period
12:36     SJS     Jed Ortmeyer (5) Wrist Shot – Assists: S. Nichol (7) & R. Clowe (22)
16:49     SJS     PPG – Dany Heatley (28) Wrist Shot – Assists: D. Boyle (31) & J. Thornton (51)
18:36     SJS     Ryane Clowe (11) Slap Shot – Assists: S. Nichol (8) & J. Ortmeyer (7)
3rd Period
04:48     SJS     Devin Setoguchi (13) Backhand – Assists: J. Pavelski (15) & M. Malhotra (10)
07:41     CGY     Robyn Regehr (1) Slap Shot – Assists: N. Dawes (15) & O. Jokinen (22)
14:06     SJS     PPG – Rob Blake (3) Slap Shot – Assists: J. Pavelski (16) & B. Staubitz (3)
14:39     SJS     Dany Heatley (29) Backhand – Assists: J. Leach (1) & P. Marleau (20)

That’s kind of awesome.

What also makes this game great is that after a ridiculously long period without secondary scoring (it was something like 10 games without someone besides the top line and Boyle scoring a goal), it comes in droves. Seemingly every player on the team “busted a schnide,” as Randy Hahn repeated over and over, probably the most repeated phrase, even more than “HE SCORES!” It became a drinking game, causing many a Sharks fan to become completely drunk by the time the game was over.

Some of the best moments (besides the scoring, of course), came from Randy Hahn and Drew Remenda and their hilarious calls. Drew’s best call probably was after the fourth goal, stating that “Devin Setoguchi’s haircut has released the dragon.” As Seto shaved his head to get out of a slump (which was ended by him scoring two goals against Edmonton), it seemed like everyone was getting out of a slump against the other Albertan team. Hell, even Robyn Regehr on the Flames got out of a 150-something game goal drought, a schnide that Randy Hahn described as one of “Biblical proportions.”

And hands-down the best goal of the night goes to the man whose haircut started it all:

The best line in the NHL. That's right, an absolute statement. Just try and refute it.

Delayed live-blogging time! I was at the Emerald Bowl last night, so missed watching the game. Because it’s a game against the Ducks, I knew I had to watch it. So, here’s my live blog that’s not really live. If that makes any sense.

“There he is, the guy who was simultaneously put on a show, stood on his head, and was unconscious.” (Nabokov)

I like that there’s a “Ducks suck!” chant only 15 seconds into the game.

How far has Setoguchi fallen… on the fourth line, along with Mitchell and McLaren. Meanwhile, Ortmeyer is on the second line. I think we might have entered the Twilight Zone.

OH CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN! Pass from Thornton to Heatley, who fanned on the shot, which Patty tipped in. It marks his 300th career goal. Now, this may be a bit premature, but I could see him hitting the 500 goal mark during his career.

Fight! McLaren vs. Parros. Frazer lost, but he’s a rookie and the fact that he’s frequently fighting heavyweights like George Parros – and holding his own – is a good sign for the future. Plus, he’s not that bad of a hockey player outside of the fighting.

Talking about how Joe Thornton might be playing too many games, and how he maybe should take a few games off. This is the guy that played an entire season with a broken toe. I don’t think he will ever miss a game if he can help it.
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Okay, so it’s only Christmas for around 10 more minutes, so sue me. Anyways, I decided to try and make a song parody and record my efforts for all to enjoy. And then I realized that my singing would probably bring the opposite of enjoyment, so I didn’t record it or make a video. But if you want to, go ahead! While the tune is a Christmas standard, the lyrics are not, so who cares if Christmas is over in 7 minutes.

You know Thornton and Seto
And Boyle and Heatley
Murray and Vlasic
And Huskins and Nabby
But do you recall
The most beastly player of all?

Marleau the hockey player
(player)
Scored a lot of pretty goals
(like shorthanded)
Whenever he’d try to score
(to score)
He would find the goalie’s holes
(like Tiger Woods)
All of the other teams’ fans
(teams’ fans)
Accused him of choking hard
(like a necklace)
They never held poor Marleau
(Marleau)
In a very high regard
(like Joe Thornton)

Then one sunny New Years Eve
Stevie came to say
(Yes yes yes)
Patty with your skills so tight
Won’t you join my team tonight?
Then Canadians loved him
(loved him)
And they shouted with a fuss
(Hoo-ah!)
Marleau the hockey player
(player)
You will bring the gold to us!
(like Joe Sakic!)

But if you want official Sharks Christmas awesomeness, click here. Featuring Slappy along with Rob Blake, Patrick Marleau, Dany Heatley, and Joe Thornton, it is simply hilarious. “That dummy’s brilliant.” Or, if you want to go vintage, there’s also the following video:

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

So, uh, hey! Long time no see! Now, I have an excuse, I really do. A five game losing streak and only 3 games in 13 days is not very conducive to creativity. Neither are finals, which were also during this rather long period of time. But hey, Sharks are now on a three game winning streak (somehow), it’s Christmas, and the Sharks were on Versus. Those three things just get your creative juices flowing, you know?

So, the Sharks won on Tuesday despite being outshot something like 274y6492-14. Okay, it was more like 47-14, but still. That set a new franchise record for the Sharks, being outshot by that much. In fact, the Hawks got off more shots each period than the Sharks had total. Well, the second period they only had 11 shots, but that’s only 3 fewer and they made up for it with their 21 shot (!!!) third period.

That incredible number of shots means only one thing: a companion to the “Marleau = Beast” series.

The shot disparity could also be explained by the fact that the the Sharks had played the night before, they got the lead relatively early and kept it throughout the game, and the special teams situation. And by the word “situation,” it means that there’s a rant coming on.
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Hey, did you hear? The San Jose Globetrotters are in town! Well, in town assuming you live in San Jose or some smallish town nearby, which I am for the sake of convience. Anyways, the San Jose Globetrotters, with the starting lineup of Joe “Pass first, ask questions later” Thornton, Patrick “Walt Whitman” Marleau, Dany “Dany F***ing Heatley” Heatley, Dan “Helmet-adjusting eyebrows” Boyle, and Rob “Please forget that I was ever in Love Guru” Blake. Nicknames may or may not be real.

This lineup has accounted for a scoring line of 52-86-138 through 31 games, which is even more impressive when you consider that Blake currently has fewer points than Jed Ortmeyer. At least he has more points than the offensive juggernaut that is Douglas Murray, who has 6. Okay, just one more point. But I digress.

Todd McLellan has used the word “Globetrotters” in describing his first power play unit, saying that they are “looking good and doing nothing.” [link] Now, I don’t know about you, but I was raised on healthy doses of Scooby-Doo and Boomerang. So I know that if there is a mystery to be solved or some bad guy doing something wrong, the Globetrotters will always prevail through a nice game of basketball. Didn’t matter what the situation was, basketball is always the answer. I guess it’s like the inverse of violence, or something.
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Chances are you’ve heard about the incident a few nights ago, when Tomas Vokoun let in a Kovalchuk goal (as many goalies do), and Keith Ballard hit Vokoun in the head with his stick. It was a complete accident, as Ballard was trying to hit the goalposts and missed, but still provided for a scary moment when the stretcher came out.

While I’m sure Ballard has already apologized profusely to Vokoun, hitting a guy in the head with a stick isn’t exactly something that can be forgiven immediately. So, I’ve decided to help Ballard by compiling a list of ways he can make it up to Vokoun for almost pulling a Van Gogh.
 

1. Give him a “Get Well Soon!” card, with a personalized message for Vokoun written inside. I imagine something like this:



 

2. Remind Vokoun that, despite the pain he might be feeling right now, it still pales in comparison to the other teammate-inflicted injury in recent Panthers history.
3. Make him a playlist for his iPod. May I suggest these songs:

Hit Me Your Best Shot – Pat Benatar
American Idiot – Green Day
Bad Day – Daniel Powter
Hurt – Christina Aguilera
Lose Control – Missy Elliott
Pain – Jimmy Eat World
Misery – Good Charlotte
SOS – Rihanna
Hate (I Really Don’t Like You) – Plain White T’s
Get’cha Head In the Game – High School Musical
Hit Me Baby One More Time – Britney Spears
Bleed It Out – Linkin Park
I Don’t Really Like You – Skye Sweetnam
Hammerhead – The Offspring
Freak Out – Avril Lavigne

 

4. Offer to buy him dinner every time the incident is mentioned by an anonymous internet user. Then rescind that offer once you realize that you will go broke within a day, despite your $4.2M salary. It’s the thought that counts.
5. Throw him a fundraiser that deals with the cause of his injury: anger. Fun runs are always a great idea!



 

6. Go after other goaltenders that played on the Florida Panthers last season. Instead of being an unfortunate accident, it will instead be excused by your anger at the Panthers’s finish last season, when they missed the playoffs yet again. I mean, that’s just showing passion for winning, right? Stupid charity point…