
Douchebag.
Some will think that this hatred has come about from this Western Conference Finals series. Some will think that this post has stemmed from the recent Game 3 loss. They’d be partially right – my hatred for this “storied” franchise has been exacerbated by the series, and the post itself is because of the Game 3 loss. But I’ve hated – really hated – the Blackhawks for almost as long as I’ve been a die-hard Sharks fan. Honestly, I think I might like Dallas and Anaheim more than Chicago, and I’m a Sharks fan. That’s how much I hate the team.
You see, the Blackhawks used to be the team you could shit on. Remember how people keep ragging on the Coyotes about their attendance? Well, the Blackhawks were in the same boat. They had a 50% capacity for a few years there. Five zero. And the worst part was that they, you know, actually had a history of hockey in the area. They had no freaking excuse for attendance that low, and yet, there they were.
“Oh, but what about Bill Wirtz???” Yeah yeah yeah, I know all about your crappy owner. Welcome to most expansion teams’ situations, douchebag. And they don’t have the protection from relocating that you as an Original Six team does. So say all you want about how you were protesting against Wirtz’s reign as an owner, and boo all you want during the moment of silence for him (by the way, real classy of you). You know that your threats were hollow, and the lack of attendance really meant diddly squat.
The Blackhawks tanked their way to a good team, building up high draft pick after high draft pick until, hey! Good team! They walked out onto a fucking red carpet before the 2008-09, and all I could think was, “pretentious, much?” I mean, this was a team that didn’t even make the playoffs a year before, in a league where 53% of all teams do. I’d understand the Red Wings doing so, or hell, even the Penguins. The Blackhawks did jack shit to deserve the red carpet, outside of, you know, existing.
And then they got the Winter Classic. Really? I get Wrigley Field is historic and iconic, and the home to the only reason why more people don’t focus on the Blackhawks’ hilariously long drought (NINETEEN SIXTY ONE). But come on, why not Red Wings-Avalanche, if you’re using the Red Wings? That’s a much more interesting rivalry to pretty much everyone except Blackhawks fans, apparently, but since they couldn’t be bothered to show up prior to that season, they really don’t count.
Then the Blackhawks made the playoffs. Whoop-de-freaking-doo, the Sharks have been doing that every year since 2004. And then they made it to the Western Conference Finals, and all of a sudden the media was on their collective dick. They got nationally broadcast by both NBC and Versus; not only that, but the broadcasters actually compliment the team! (An experience I know that I have yet to enjoy as a Sharks fan).
So now the Blackhawks are winning, and the bandwagonners are coming out of the woodwork. “I’ve always been a Blackhawks fan!” “Really? Don’t you think Jeremy Roenick is awesome?” “…Who’s he?” Honestly, if you don’t know who JR is, you are not a Blackhawks fan. That’s like being an Oilers fan and not knowing who Gretzky is, a Penguins fan ignorant of Lemieux, a Red Wings fan in the dark about Yzerman, an Avalanche fan not knowing Sakic. If you don’t know who Roenick is, you are not a Blackhawks fan. Fact.
I’ve met Blackhawks fans who don’t know who Toews, Kane, Keith, or Niemi are. How? How can that be? How can you call yourself a fan of a team if you don’t even know any of the players? I mean, I barely know football – I doubt I can even name all the teams – but even I still know a few of the players on the 49ers, a team I like in a “between Raiders and Niners which teams sucks less” way. How can someone call themselves a fan – a fan – of a team and not know any of the players? This infuriates me.
Because of this early success, Blackhawks fans are some of the most entitled, ignorant fans I have ever had the displeasure of coming across. They completely ignore their past, completely overlook their own team’s struggles and lack of championships and feel that it is their right to taunt other teams on the lack of success. They act like because they’ve had two good seasons, they deserve a Stanley Cup. They feel like since they are finally filling their arena again, they have a right to pick on struggling nontraditional market teams. For a long time the Red Wings have had the most annoying fans, but at least that was backed up by championships. What do the Blackhawks have? A central division banner? The red carpet? Puh-lease.
I know there are good fans out there that showed up during the lean times, that aren’t taking this success for granted, I know that. But you have been completely drowned out by your douchebag compatriots.
Also, Patrick Kane is possibly the biggest douchebag I’ve ever seen. He beat up a cab driver over twenty cents? Really?! There’s more money in my couch than that. His shirtless in the limo pictures from Vancouver out-douched the entire cast of Jersey Shore, impossible as that seems. His playoff mullet makes me want to punch him in the face. Hated him on the Blackhawks, hated him on Team USA. Dustin Byfuglien (Bufflin for all those Blackhawks “fans”) is another douche, but not quite on the same level. He’s like a homeless man’s Holmstrum.
I hate the Chicago Blackhawks. My team has no rivalry with them, no playoff history with them outside of this year, and yet they’re still probably my first or second most hated team. I don’t see any redeeming quality about them. Just a very, very hateable team that I’ll look forward to booing and trash-talking for years to come.
Go die in a fire, Chicago. Wait, too soon?
