Douchebag.

Some will think that this hatred has come about from this Western Conference Finals series. Some will think that this post has stemmed from the recent Game 3 loss. They’d be partially right – my hatred for this “storied” franchise has been exacerbated by the series, and the post itself is because of the Game 3 loss. But I’ve hated – really hated – the Blackhawks for almost as long as I’ve been a die-hard Sharks fan. Honestly, I think I might like Dallas and Anaheim more than Chicago, and I’m a Sharks fan. That’s how much I hate the team.

You see, the Blackhawks used to be the team you could shit on. Remember how people keep ragging on the Coyotes about their attendance? Well, the Blackhawks were in the same boat. They had a 50% capacity for a few years there. Five zero. And the worst part was that they, you know, actually had a history of hockey in the area. They had no freaking excuse for attendance that low, and yet, there they were.

“Oh, but what about Bill Wirtz???” Yeah yeah yeah, I know all about your crappy owner. Welcome to most expansion teams’ situations, douchebag. And they don’t have the protection from relocating that you as an Original Six team does. So say all you want about how you were protesting against Wirtz’s reign as an owner, and boo all you want during the moment of silence for him (by the way, real classy of you). You know that your threats were hollow, and the lack of attendance really meant diddly squat.

The Blackhawks tanked their way to a good team, building up high draft pick after high draft pick until, hey! Good team! They walked out onto a fucking red carpet before the 2008-09, and all I could think was, “pretentious, much?” I mean, this was a team that didn’t even make the playoffs a year before, in a league where 53% of all teams do. I’d understand the Red Wings doing so, or hell, even the Penguins. The Blackhawks did jack shit to deserve the red carpet, outside of, you know, existing.

And then they got the Winter Classic. Really? I get Wrigley Field is historic and iconic, and the home to the only reason why more people don’t focus on the Blackhawks’ hilariously long drought (NINETEEN SIXTY ONE). But come on, why not Red Wings-Avalanche, if you’re using the Red Wings? That’s a much more interesting rivalry to pretty much everyone except Blackhawks fans, apparently, but since they couldn’t be bothered to show up prior to that season, they really don’t count.

Then the Blackhawks made the playoffs. Whoop-de-freaking-doo, the Sharks have been doing that every year since 2004. And then they made it to the Western Conference Finals, and all of a sudden the media was on their collective dick. They got nationally broadcast by both NBC and Versus; not only that, but the broadcasters actually compliment the team! (An experience I know that I have yet to enjoy as a Sharks fan).

So now the Blackhawks are winning, and the bandwagonners are coming out of the woodwork. “I’ve always been a Blackhawks fan!” “Really? Don’t you think Jeremy Roenick is awesome?” “…Who’s he?” Honestly, if you don’t know who JR is, you are not a Blackhawks fan. That’s like being an Oilers fan and not knowing who Gretzky is, a Penguins fan ignorant of Lemieux, a Red Wings fan in the dark about Yzerman, an Avalanche fan not knowing Sakic. If you don’t know who Roenick is, you are not a Blackhawks fan. Fact.

I’ve met Blackhawks fans who don’t know who Toews, Kane, Keith, or Niemi are. How? How can that be? How can you call yourself a fan of a team if you don’t even know any of the players? I mean, I barely know football – I doubt I can even name all the teams – but even I still know a few of the players on the 49ers, a team I like in a “between Raiders and Niners which teams sucks less” way. How can someone call themselves a fan – a fan – of a team and not know any of the players? This infuriates me.

Because of this early success, Blackhawks fans are some of the most entitled, ignorant fans I have ever had the displeasure of coming across. They completely ignore their past, completely overlook their own team’s struggles and lack of championships and feel that it is their right to taunt other teams on the lack of success. They act like because they’ve had two good seasons, they deserve a Stanley Cup. They feel like since they are finally filling their arena again, they have a right to pick on struggling nontraditional market teams. For a long time the Red Wings have had the most annoying fans, but at least that was backed up by championships. What do the Blackhawks have? A central division banner? The red carpet? Puh-lease.

I know there are good fans out there that showed up during the lean times, that aren’t taking this success for granted, I know that. But you have been completely drowned out by your douchebag compatriots.

Also, Patrick Kane is possibly the biggest douchebag I’ve ever seen. He beat up a cab driver over twenty cents? Really?! There’s more money in my couch than that. His shirtless in the limo pictures from Vancouver out-douched the entire cast of Jersey Shore, impossible as that seems. His playoff mullet makes me want to punch him in the face. Hated him on the Blackhawks, hated him on Team USA. Dustin Byfuglien (Bufflin for all those Blackhawks “fans”) is another douche, but not quite on the same level. He’s like a homeless man’s Holmstrum.

I hate the Chicago Blackhawks. My team has no rivalry with them, no playoff history with them outside of this year, and yet they’re still probably my first or second most hated team. I don’t see any redeeming quality about them. Just a very, very hateable team that I’ll look forward to booing and trash-talking for years to come.

Go die in a fire, Chicago. Wait, too soon?

Oh, and I swear, the Sharks are the only team that gets bandwagoners only when they’re doing bad. Things going normal, they’re winning games, and it’s just the regulars. Sharks lose 8-2, and BOOM! Dozens of people come out the cracks just to piss and moan, using phrases such as “choke,” “no heart,” and “lose in the playoffs.” Same thing happened last year during the Anaheim series. If the Sharks actually win the Stanley Cup, will they lose fans?

By the way, the Gamecenter standings will be put on indefinite hiatus because of a long story that ends with my subscription accidentally being canceled. Anyone who wants to keep up with them, or do them for their own team and send them to me, be my guest.

On March 5, 2010, around 1:50 into the third period, Scott Nichol received a pass from Torrey Mitchell, rang it off the post, and then continued on his way, trying to set up for another chance. In no way was he endangering any Canadiens player, attempting anything cheap, or really doing anything except for trying to score a goal. Maxim Lapierre, following Nichol, slashed him, and then cross-checked him from behind. Nichol flew full-speed into the boards, hitting his shoulder, and crumpled onto the ice. He laid there for a while, his legs twitching (yes, twitching) in pain. When he got up to say some things I am sure are not suitable for a family atmosphere, he was holding his arm close to his chest, trying to keep his shoulder in place. He did not return for the rest of the game, and is now expected to be out for 7-10 days (in Sharks-speak, that’s usually 2-3 weeks at the very least).

Lapierre got no penalty, no beat-down from any of the Sharks players, nothing. The only penalties that arose were from the scrum afterwards, to Jay Leach and Travis Moen. Lapierre was actually smiling after it, if you can believe it.

Now, I admit, I’m incredibly biased. Nichol plays for the Sharks, and Lapierre doesn’t. But really, if Nichol didn’t twist his body so that he’d only end up with a shoulder injury, it would have been his head crashing into the boards, and his neck absorbing that force. There was a very real possibility that he could have been paralyzed or worse.

I can go on about how I think that’s a dirty cheapshot and something that should be completely removed from the game, as well as Chris Lee’s complete inability to see something so completely obvious 15 feet away, but that’s been dealt with. People have talked about it already and a 4-game suspension has been doled out.

The thing that gets me, the thing that really pisses me off, is the insistence by some fans – largely Montreal fans, but some other ones as well – that Nichol deserved it because of all the cheap shots that he has thrown throughout his career.

In short, to some, Maxim Lapierre has become Bernie Goetz.

They feel that the violent actions of one can be justified if the victim has committed crimes in the past, and could possibly commit crimes in the future. They feel that by physically hurting Nichol and keeping him out of the game for weeks will improve the NHL, and that Lapierre should not be indicted because he was doing a public service, or because it “would take 10 more of Lapierre’s hits to make up for all of Nichol’s cheapshots.” People are wishing injury on Nichol, and that’s just wrong.

Has the situation gotten so bad in the NHL that some fans are wishing for more dangerous hits like that on borderline-dirty players? Has it gotten to the point where fans no longer trust the referees and the NHL’s supplementary discipline, just like how New Yorkers had completely lost faith in their police force? The entire Sharks-Canadiens game was an example of a game that got completely out of hand, where cheap-shots were being doled out like AOL CDs back in the lates 1990s, but that’s just a rare occurance, right? I’d like to think so, but the reaction to the game and the hit itself is worrying.

There are jokes about Colin Campbell’s Wheel of Justice and, of course, DGB’s famous suspension chart. The thing that worries me is that the jokes are true. People were wondering if Lapierre would even get a suspension, which, for an obviously dirty play such as that (disregarding any outside factors such as the perpetrator, the victim, and how the rest of the game was going, it was unquestionably dirty), should not even be a question. And then add to that how people were commenting how it was a good thing – have I been transported back to the early 80s?

I like the hits and the fights that make up good, physical hockey. Douglas Murray of the Sharks is one of my favorite players, and is well-known for his ability to dish out huge and completely legal hits. Fighting to settle scores without resorting to cheap shots is, in my opinion, the best way to administer justice so that the players can feel satisfied. David Booth did it with Mike Richards, and for all intents and purposes, the score from Richards’s headshot has been settled. I am not advocating to take out the physical play of hockey – I just don’t want the players and the fans to feel like the only way to dole out justice is by cheapshots on players. I don’t want Lapierre, or any other player, to be Bernie Goetz.

When, in the course of television broadcasting, it becomes necessary for the target audience of 18-49 year olds to alter their television habits which have connected them with a network, and to assume among the powers of the remote, the wide array of other networks that their cable or satellite subscription entitles them, a decent respect to the network requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the boycott.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all time zones are created equal, that people are endowed by their viewership with certain unalienable rights, that among these are live, quality, and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, Neilson ratings are instituted among networks, deriving their just powers from the television viewers. That whenever any network becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the viewers to complain or boycott it, and to switch to a different network, giving them the viewers and therefore the advertising revenue. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that networks long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience has shown that viewers are more disposed to suffer, while bad programming is sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, making the viewer pissed off, it is their right, it is their duty, to boycott such network, and to watch illegal streams and torrents of their programming. Such has been the patient sufferance of these viewers; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former viewing habits. The history of NBC is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over their viewers. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.

They have refused to air the Olympic Opening Ceremonies live on the West Coast, despite the host city being in the same timezone, instead tape delaying the Ceremonies for three hours and allowing Them to be already posted on Youtube before those in the Pacific time zone could watch Them on television.

They have refused to air the Olympic events live on the West Coast, a practice that has not allowed the results of the events be a surprise.

They have aired the Michael Phelps races three hours later for West Coast back in 2008, despite the tape-delay making the races begin at 11pm or midnight instead of 8-9pm, which is a much more reasonable hour as well as being live.

They have ignored the effects of the internet on tape-delayed programming.

They have chosen to air the most anticipated of the men’s hockey group play games and one of the most anticipated non-medal event in the Olympics period, the game between Canada and the United States, on MSNBC and ice dancing on NBC.

They have repeatedly aired the footage of a man dying with little to no warning to the viewers.

They have chosen to have Boston and Philadelphia play each other in the Winter Classic, two teams that have little rivalry history, and who would be much better suited to play other teams.

They have decided to deny the Washington Captials in the Winter Classic, citing that the team would not attract good enough ratings, despite having one of the league’s most dynamic stars in Alexander Ovechkin.

They have refused to broadcast any Western Conference team other than the Detroit Red Wings or Chicago Blackhawks despite the West being an overall better conference over the past few seasons.

They have removed original scripted programming to install a fourth talk show in their nightly lineup.

They have broken Conan O’Brien’s contract just seven months into its term in order to reinstall Jay Leno to the Tonight Show despite Mr. Leno’s new talk show’s dismal ratings.

They have removed all of Mr. O’Brien’s Late Night video clips from Hulu and various other internet video websites.

They have strictly controlled all posting of their content on the internet and have not allowed a vast majority of it to be available to a viewer under any circumstances.

In every stage of these errors we have petitioned for change: our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated mistakes. A network, whose identity is thus marked by every act which may define a wildly incompetent organization, is unfit to be a top network.

Nor have we been wanting in attention to our fellow east coast viewers. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by the network to extend their sub-par and tape-delayed productions onto us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of their exclusive contracts with events and programs. We have appealed to their logic and sense of fairness, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common network availability to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our favorite programs. They too have been deaf to the voice of fairness and common sense. We must, therefore, refuse to watch their network.

We, therefore, the viewers of the United States of America, from our computers, appealing to the common sense of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by the authority of the good people suffering through the programming decisions, solemly publish and declare, that these united viewers are, and of right ought to not suffer through inept decisions; that they are no longer confined to viewing the network for certain programming, and that all exclusive Olympic and NHL contracts between them and the governing bodies, ought to be totally dissolved. And for the support of this declaration we mutually pledge to each other our opinions, our rights, and our sacred honor.

This is it. We have passed the point of no return. There is no going back now, no chance to make things up. That’s right.

NHL Gamecenter has officially used the Sharks broadcast for fewer than half of the games this season.

The record, as of last night, is 10-42-3-1. For those of you not familiar with what that breaks down to, it’s Sharks Broadcast – Other Team’s Broadcast (also includes TSN and CBC, since they don’t really care about the Sharks) – Versus and NB-HAHAHA sorry, couldn’t even get through that without laughing – None.

So that means that the Sharks broadcast has been chosen 10 times, the other teams’ 42 times, Versus 3 times, and not broadcasted at all once (thank you to the cheapskates at CSN-CA and whatever Nashville’s regional sports network is). Granted, technically one of those other teams’ feeds was just a rebroadcast of the Sharks feed (I’m talking about the Sabres game, of course), so that should count, right? Well, for whatever reason, instead of choosing the feed where the commentary and video was originally from, Gamecenter decided to use the NON-HD MSN re-broadcast. Why? I don’t know.

Let’s see what the record would be when extended over 82 games. Since CSNCA manned up and said that every game for the rest of the season will be aired (and in HD), and we already know that Versus will pick up one more game and NBC zero (surprise, suprise), the last two numbers are set at 4-1. With my handy-dandy calculator, the record projects to be an absolutely abysmal 15-62-4-1.

To put that in perspective, if the Versus/NBC/none numbers were converted into the loser point, the Sharks would have 35 points. That’s only 11 more points than the 92-93 Sharks, who set a record for most losses in a season. Ever. (71 losses, by the way, if that ever comes up in Trival Pursuit or something).

I honestly cannot understand how there can be such a huge disparity between the broadcasts chosen. I understand if it swings a little bit one way or another, but Sharks broadcasts are only used a fourth of the time. That’s bullshit. And while I don’t mind other perspectives occasionally, there’s something to be said about listening to guys that don’t sound disappointed when your team scores.

So, the Sharks won on Tuesday despite being outshot something like 274y6492-14. Okay, it was more like 47-14, but still. That set a new franchise record for the Sharks, being outshot by that much. In fact, the Hawks got off more shots each period than the Sharks had total. Well, the second period they only had 11 shots, but that’s only 3 fewer and they made up for it with their 21 shot (!!!) third period.

That incredible number of shots means only one thing: a companion to the “Marleau = Beast” series.

The shot disparity could also be explained by the fact that the the Sharks had played the night before, they got the lead relatively early and kept it throughout the game, and the special teams situation. And by the word “situation,” it means that there’s a rant coming on.

For the past three games, the Sharks had never trailed. Actually, once they gained the lead, they never lost it. Meaning that the other team would have to play more aggressive so they can score goals, which generally means that the team with the leading would be given more power plays. Instead, there was 84:10 between Sharks powerplays, during which the Sharks had 8 penalty kills. Somehow, the Stars didn’t commit any penalties in that game. Yeah, and I’m Marty Turco. There were several instances of Stars players committing infractions that were at the level of those the Sharks committed, except that the Stars didn’t get called while the Sharks did. And somehow in scrums, the Sharks were the only team to get penalized. That continued on a bit into the Hawks game, although I concede that the difference was not as great and the Hawks were controlling play.

Now, I’m not pulling a Wings fan or a Bryan Murray and saying that the league is conspiring against the Sharks, but the disparity between calls was absolutely horrible. One team should not get 5 power plays and the other team zero, unless the game is an absolute blowout.

Anyways, since it’s a Versus broadcast, I have a few observations:

• So, Hawks fans get to listen to Eddie O do the commentary on Versus, and Sharks fans get… I dunno, some Versus guy. I just know that it’s not Randy Hahn or Dan Rusanowsky, the Sharks play-by-play guys for the TV and radio, respectively. I get that Eddie O does analysis on Versus regularly, but if it’s supposed to be an neutral broadcast, try to not have one of the regular announcers for one of the teams, okay?
• Somehow in 37 games, the Sharks have become Dany Heatley’s team, despite him not leading the team in either goals or points (those belong to Marleau and Thornton, respectively). At least it’s different from perpetually being Joe Thornton’s team, I guess. And if they went by captaincy and we were really Rob Blake’s team, everyone would take at least one bad penalty per game. That would kind of suck.
• That font they chose for “HAPPY HOLIDAYS!” is absolutely horrible. Here’s a hint: generally, brush stroke-based fonts are not supposed to be in all caps. I think I learned that when I was nine, after seeing how ugly it looked. Brush Script Std looks so good when it’s just “Happy Holidays!”, why couldn’t have you done that?
• I don’t like the Blackhawks’ third jersey. Didn’t like it at the Winter Classic, don’t like it now. I liked their old one, where it was just a black version of their red home jersey. Why change a good thing?
• Vlasic leading the rush always looks weird to me, since he’s a defensive defenseman and all that.
• I swear, Scott Nichol has scored himself more than he’s scored goals this year. He just keeps falling into the net. Definitely not a bad thing, since he’s continually crashing the net, but it’s just kind of funny.
• WWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???????????????
• If you were confused, Versus showed replays and kept talking about the infamous game before Thanksgiving in which the Sharks – pardon my French – shit the bed.
• I think they had the first Joe Thornton interview where he was actually wearing a shirt. Craziness.
• Versus decided that shots of Joel Quennville and Duncan Keith would be more interesting than shots of a violent scrum/brawl. I disagree.
• Um, by the way, Dany Heatley and Marian Hossa were never teammates. They were traded for each other. So yes, they both played for the Atlanta Thrashers, you got that right, but they never played together.

The full Sharks schedule:

Every single one of these games I predicted would be on Versus outside of the Colorado game, but that was because I didn’t believe Versus had the rights to Thursdays.

Such is the life of a Californian hockey fan; there is not one national game televised from San Jose, one game is on the second half of a back-to-back, and one game is at the end of a 6 game road trip. Granted, this is pretty much standard for all hockey fans west of the Mississippi; only seven games are broadcasted from east of the Mississippi, and all seven are of either the Dallas Stars or the Colorado Avalanche.

This is despite having the highest-rated regular season game in Versus history against the Bruins, and having a nationally watched (if not broadcast) game against the Red Wings. They won the President’s Trophy, set several NHL records, and completely dominated other teams. And yet only four nationally televised games.

The entire national televised system is messed up – Versus acts like the Western Conference is the red-headed step-child of the NHL, and NBC just refuses to acknowledge that there is a west of the Mississippi. The NHL should mandate a minimum number of Western Conference games that have to be broadcast – and I don’t mean pseudo-west teams like Detroit and Chicago, who get a whole bunch of games anyways. I mean trying to get more people to know about the teams on the west coast. Yes, there are hockey teams there. They are actually pretty competitive. And there are fans who probably love hockey just as much – if not more – than those teams who are in those markets who get a half-dozen or more Versus/NBC games.

I don’t know why I am even advocating for more national games – the announcers Versus choose are always annoying and no nothing about the teams they are talking about, particularly the Sharks. But the complete imbalance in games broadcast is unfair, and the NHL needs to rectify it.

The definition of the word “choke,” as defined by the American Heritage Dictionary, is: “To fail to perform effectively because of nervous agitation or tension, especially in an athletic contest.”

Now yes, by that definiton, the Sharks choked. I’m not going to contest it – they did “fail to perform effectively” and lost in 6 games in the first round to the eighth seed. Not exactly the outcome I was hoping for. True, that eighth seed was probably the strongest eighth seed in the past decade and took the defending Stanley Cup champs (and this year’s favorites) to 7 games in the next round, but it doesn’t matter. The Sharks could have come out with more fire, or at least played Game 6 better, but didn’t. They failed, and that’s it.

But what about another #1 seed, one that fell in the second round to a #6 seed that wasn’t even expected to make the playoffs? Oh no, that’s not choking, that sixth-seeded team obviously has clutch playoff goaltending and goal-scorers, and the top seed has lots of injuries, so that’s not a choke. Right. Its not like Anaheim won the Cup two years ago or anything. What? They did? And virtually every top player on the Sharks had an injury they wouldn’t be playing through in the regular season? Okay, well then, fuck you.

The hypocrisy that the Sharks face astounds me. Every time they fail to achieve the level expected of them (i.e. win the Stanley Cup), they are labeled chokers. I mean, picture this: the second-seeded team in the conference is matched up against the fifth seed, who happens to be one of their biggest (if not biggest) rivals. The second seed falls behind in the series, but claws their way back in. However, the fifth seed ultimately wins the series in Game 7 (or the equivalent).

This has happened once this year, and once last year. Last year, the Sharks fell to the Stars in the fourth OT of Game 6, the equivlanet of the first OT of Game 7. This year, the Captials fell to the Penguins in Game 7 (in a blow-out, I might add). One of these was a choke, the other wasn’t. And while you can argue the semantics of a Game 6 vs. a Game 7, the fact is that essentially these two situations are the same, and yet the Sharks are the only ones stuck with the “choker” label.

Then there’s the whole issue with individual players being labeled playoff chokers, despite some performing just as well as those so-called “playoff warriors,” but I’m not going to get into that right now. I just wanted to get this off my chest, and so here it is. Wooo.

Peace. WAR