The episode begins in an abandoned gum factory… Yes, gum factory. Lets just suspend disbelief for a moment and pretend that Stride (the oh-so-present sponsor this week) has a factory in Smallville, closed it down in just a few months, lets bands hold concerts there, and yet feels no need to store and secure any of their inventory.

One of the first things that I noticed, which proves to be a prelude to what we will have to suffer through the entire episode, is the advent of three- yes, three- different sponsors all in one shot. There was OneRepublic playing in the background, Jimmy taking a picture with his Sprint phone (the logo being pretty prominent even with my old analogue TV), and a Stride gum banner hanging in the background. At that point, even if I hadn’t read any spoilers or recaps, I would have known we were in for a product placement ride. It is the return of Product Placement Pete, after all.

The stretching power that Pete got from the glowing green gum (which begs the question- haven’t they learned not to put green glowing things in their mouths?) has always bothered me, and just recently I found out why. In Season 3, the episode “Extinction” dealt with Van McNulty, who killed meteor freaks. One of those killed was Leonard Wallace, a mechanic who had a stretching ability. I know that it was just a passing mention, but seriously- can’t they just make up another power?

So, Pete comes back, and he comments that things have really changed around Smallville. Well, duh, it has been almost FOUR YEARS- of course things have changed! Seriously, four years ago my life was completely different than it is now. A different school, a different group of friends, and different priorities in life. Same with Clark, except he still has Lana and Chloe.

The scene changes to one with Lex in his multi-use study. And, like always, whenever someone comes in, Lex closes his laptop. Seriously, I dare anyone to find just one time when he leaves it open. I bet you can’t.

But, anyways, Kara comes in, and Lex starts talking about the Kawatche Caves (yay for continuity!) and how the symbols there matched those on Kara’s bracelet. Uhhh… sorry Lex, but the bracelet didn’t have any of the symbols of the cave, it just had that stylized Superman S shield on it, not the eight shield of the Kawatches.

Onto Clark moving the posts into the truck- all I really have to say is: WORST. SPECIAL. EFFECT. EVER. It was pretty dang obvious that the posts were hanging from a crane, since they kept SWAYING IN THE WIND.

I had such high hopes for Pete. In the comics, he’s supposed to be a pretty smart guy, getting elected as a Senator and going to Princeton, I believe. But in Smallville, the intellect of Pete Ross has been reduced down into being a roadie. Apparently, nobody goes to college in Smallville. That just sets a great example for all the young people out there.

SPACE JAM TIME!! Pete and his super-stretchy arms and legs were able to beat Clark, ensuring that he won’t have to go to Moron Mountain and be a slave there for all eternity… Or maybe it ensured that Clark would go to Moron Mountain. He sure is acting like one- seriously, how did he NOT notice that Pete’s arms stretched to get the ball?

A cut to Chloe and Jimmy, who was extremely excited about his interview with Pete. Apparently, Chloe forgot all about Pete, especially after Clark came. And I just had to laugh when Jimmy called Pete smart. Pete? Smart? This is the guy that didn’t know where to find gum in a gum FACTORY. He’s not exactly a scholar, that Pete.

Ah, Chloe confronts Lex. And once again, Lex closes his laptop when Chloe comes in. The confrontation is not nearly as exciting as Lois’s was, especially when the big neon sign that read “HYPOCRITE” was just flashing away over Chloe’s head. There are some things that I just cannot believe. Chloe’s speech about their right to privacy is one of them.

This is a girl who hacks other’s computers on a pretty much daily basis, who investigated into people’s private lives back when she had the Wall of Weird. And she is lecturing Lex, who happens to be the owner of her computer, on personal privacy. Really.

A quick cut back to the abandoned Stride factory-turned-band-venue, Clark is using his investigator skillz (yes, with a z) for the first time in a while, finding out that liquid kryptonite is seeping into the boxes of Stride gum. First of all, I thought that kryptonite’s natural state at room temperature is a solid, and when it is heated it becomes black kryptonite. So really, there is no natural explanation for the kryptonite to be liquefied- someone had to figure out how to make it into a liquid, and then spill it in the factory. Really, who would do that and why? Kryptonite would not be approved by the FDA, and perhaps even EPA, especially since its supposed to be radioactive.

We jump back to the Planet, where Pete tells Chloe that she’s in the “big leagues.” I guess you can say that. You can also say that the bat boy for the San Francisco Giants is also in the “big leagues” since he is, technically, working for a major team. Just face it- Chloe is in the basement, not much higher up than an intern.

There is once reference I enjoyed- Chloe called Lex “Citizen Lex.” Now, I could just take that at face value, recognize it for the obvious reference to Citizen Kane, another newspaper owner, and just leave it at that. But if Film Studies has taught me anything, its to over-analyze anything that has to do with Citizen Kane.

Charles Foster Kane (the titular character) was raised by his parents until he was about eight, and then he was raised by a stockbroker, since his parents wanted him to be successful. He pretty much shunned all of the wealth that he had accumulated through his parents (who got rich off of the Colorado Lode through pure luck), but took a special interest in one of his holdings- the New York Inquiror. He took ownership of the newspaper, pledging to print nothing but the truth. That quickly is disproven, when he refuses to print any negative reviews about his second wife’s performance at the Opera. Well, except for one negative review, written by his ex-friend Jeb Leland, who gets fired afterwards. He uses his newspaper to help with his run for Governor of New York, which is dashed when his affair is publicized.

Lex Luthor has had a similar past, being raised by a rather cold-hearted father who raised him to take over the Luthor empire. Lex, however, shunned that to take care of a factory in Smallville. Later, he becomes interested in the Daily Planet, and buys it, getting complete control. Lex uses the power of the Daily Planet to keep a tight rein on both Lois and Chloe- even exploiting the fact that Chloe foolishly leaves all of her confidential files on her work computer.

Because of these slight similarities, I’m thinking that perhaps Lex might make a run for public office again, using his position as owner of the Planet to help his campaign. Oh, and that he kills a bunch of stories that he doesn’t want printed. Like what probably happened with Grant. But I seriously doubt that will happen just from a passing reference designed to make the writers seem like they actually know something about film.

Enough with my postulating about Citizen Kane. Onto the review!

The neon HYPOCRITE sign is back, and flashing above Lana’s head. Apparently, “secrets and lies” are good things now, especially when Lana isn’t on the receiving end. Not that this should be surprising, since this is a double standard that Lana has believed in since pretty much the beginning of the show, but it still is quite annoying. Really, the fact that Lana can lie so well is not amazing, as Kara said. Lana has had years and years of practice.

Pete has become the latest inductee into the super hacking skillz club, joining Chloe, Lana, and Kara. And he also seemed to emulate Lex, what with the whole closing the laptop when Lex came into the room.

I just have to say- Lex is just so deliciously evil! When he revealed Chloe’s meteor freak status, that was just such an evil look on his face. And Jimmy’s reaction was priceless- both actors did a great job in that scene, despite not interacting with each other at all.

…And then comes the obligatory “lets mention the sponsor in a completely cheesy way” scene. Chloe’s line about how they should not have made the gum last so long was just so bad, I seriously groaned. To answer her question, “Is nothing sacred anymore?” I just gotta say one big resounding NO. And this applies to everything, not just the fact that there’s kryptonite gum floating around in Smallville.

Pete was such an ass to Clark. “Your world’s only big enough for one hero.” Um, Petey, I know you’ve been away a long time and spent pretty much all your time with Clark ranting about how evil the Luthors are, but if you just talk to Clark you’ll find that there are five other heroes out there that Clark has joined up with once in a while. Ever read the papers? Does “Green Arrow” ring a bell?

And of course, Pete had to put the kryptonite right on Clark’s chest, which was precariously balanced. Seriously, if Clark just rolled barely to one side or another, the kryptonite would fall off and the effect would not be as bad. Apparently, Clark can’t roll though.

Because of the sponsor being so influential on this episode, the Stride factory has become the new place of confrontation, replacing Lex’s study. But maybe the change of location is good- Lex’s security detail finally works and is effective, even though they are torturing Pete for information.

All I got to say is- Lex, get with the times. Arm-pulling and dislocating is so passe. Waterboarding is where its at. Get with the times, man!

Agh, so Pete realizes that Clark cannot change who he is no matter what, even if he didn’t have any powers. Why didn’t Clark just ask Pete about this before? Then Clark would not have had to go on that ill-fated anti-powers phase that ultimately resulted in Jonathan’s death. The show would have been much better without that.

Regarding that whole “Barry Bonds Pete” or “Hank Aaron Pete”- I’m guessing someone is in support of the asterisk. And really likes baseball. And hates Barry Bonds.

The last scene with Chloe and Jimmy bothered me slightly. I mean, first off, why was Jimmy nodding along when Pete mentioned kryptonite? Nobody knows about Krypton unless they know about Clark, and so therefore the word kryptonite has not entered the general lexicon yet. Second, I’m a bit mad at Jimmy- the spark fizzled? Kara had freaking amnesia, of course the spark fizzled! She didn’t know who the hell she was! I mean, I’m not a huge fan of the Kara and Jimmy relationship, but that was a lame-ass way to break them up.

Then there’s super-slow-motion Clark with exaggerated sound effects hiding the bracelet. I’m sorry, I had to laugh at that- it was so over the top, with the lid of the storage place banging on the ground like it was ten times bigger and heavier, just was stupid. I know its supposed to be important, but it just looks really lame.

Finally, the ending scene where Kara asks Lex if she could stay with him. Now, I’ve seen Traveler, so I know what happens, but even before I watched it I knew Lex was up to something. Especially at the end, when Lex closes the door onto the camera, I just couldn’t help but think, “Okay, he’s going to rape her.” Inappropriate, yes, and totally untrue, but that’s just what it looked like.

Just in case we didn’t get that this episode of Smallville was sponsored by Stride and OneRepublic, they happily reminded us again and again, throughout the commercial breaks and after the episode aired, and before the preview of Traveler.
Overall, this episode was extremely weak. I’m not quite sure why it was titled “Hero”- “Stride” would have been a much more apt title. With all the buzz about Pete returning, I was expecting a much better episode, but got something that was just run-of-the-mill, let’s fit in as many product placements as we can episode.