I came into this episode with lots of apprehension, as the overwhelming opinion of it was “sucky.” Unfortanately, that simple word completely describes the episode. For the first time, I’m actually NOT looking forward to writing a review. Which pretty much guarentees it will be long and rant-filled.

The episode begins with one of those flash-forwards that TPTB seem to be liking a lot these days – you know, the ones that show events that happen later in the episode and leave people confused, but then later goes back and shows the same exact scene only it makes more sense. Yeah, lazy filmmaking. What, they can’t film an extra three minutes?

The first question I had was “When had any of the characters ever gone clubbing?” Yeah, Clark did when he was Kal, and that random episode when Clark, Chloe, and Pete went to the rave (still, wtf?), but this season just seems very out there. All of the sudden, all these characters are going to clubs and concerts like they go there all the time. Methinks that Ostroff has used some of her “Lifetime for teens!” idea of good television on TPTB of Smallville. Oh, and BTW, Lifetime for teens is a horrible idea. Just throwing that out there.

Ninjas in air ducts! Which took about 20 seconds to reveal after a rather lengthy journey through said ducts (I timed it). Which means that its not actually going to be about anything Superman-ish. Especially since its painfully obvious that the faux-ninja is Jimmy Olsen, who somehow acquired ninja skills since the last time we saw him. Maybe its some of that kryptonite rubbing off on him, or some ray gun that hit him or something.

So Jimmy knocks out the random guy in the hallway to get his briefcase. Which, for some random reason, has iris recognition. I’ve had a while to stew over this, and I still do not get it. Why would a briefcase have iris recognition on it? I mean, unless there was some extremely top-secret government documents in it that point to the location of all of our nukes or the location of Osama Bin Laden or something…

Jimmy stores the stuff on the top of the elevator. I have no idea why, but I immediately thought of Die Hard when I saw that. Die Hard, now THAT would be a good concept for an action-packed episode. Hmmmm… *muses start stirring after long hibernation*

Ah, the theme song. I remember that point in time a few years ago when I heard “Somebody SAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEE” and actually thought of Clark Kent and his journey to become Superman. Now, it just seems so contrived and almost like its false advertising.

The next scene opens 14 hours earlier with Jimmy making breakfast, emphasis on the making breakfast. Lots and lots of emphasis. For a second, I thought I was watching Rachel Ray without Rachel Ray. And it wasn’t just a passing shot or two – it was nine different shots over a period of 27 seconds. They must have seriously needed to waste some time, what with the minute or so wasted on shots that have no real purpose.

Chloe’s meeting comment confused me quite a bit – wasn’t she fired? But of course, that was cleared up with something I totally should have seen coming – Chloe took over the Isis Foundation. I finally know what Chloe’s character is emulating – Kirby! Sucking up characters and absorbing their traits and purposes.

And this season, while the Isis Foundation has admittedly been a rather large plot point – a large, pointless, and annoying plot point – I still have no idea why it is important. Yeah, its Lana’s little meteor freak rehabilitation place, that turned out to be a cover for her peeping tom tendencies, but have we really seen the place do its purpose, besides that one scene with Chloe? Its pretty much just been a place for characters to get into trouble, or to send them away to when they’ve been bad. Pointless.

Ugh, Clark. You really, really, really annoy me this season with your inability to think beyond your own little world. “Why haven’t we found Brainiac?” Hmmm, I dunno, maybe its because YOU STAY WITH LANA ALL DAMN NIGHT!! Seriously, Brainiac won’t just fall into your lap as you stare at comatose!Lana. I have the same problem with the San Jose Sharks right now – they will not score unless they get the puck on the net. Just standing around with it (yes, I’m talking to you Campbell) does nothing.

Chloe’s very next line kills me. “Do you think breaking national security laws is my ide of a good time?” Yes.

Obviously, the Department of Domestic Security is a thinly-veiled version of the Department of Homeland Security.

If Chloe had learned absolutely anything from the disaster that was/is Clana, or even her own freaking relationship with Jimmy, its that secrets destroys relationships. Especially if you lie about said secrets. But obviously she didn’t, as she is once again keeping secrets from Jimmy. Badly-hid secrets that involve her phone being on silent when its obviously not when it rings and how she won’t even let Jimmy move boxes. And I still don’t get the whole boxes thing. Was Chloe really stupid enough to put Kryptonian-related stuff in a cardboard box on the top of the pile for a non-profit organization?

Yet another loose end is presented in the next scene with Lex. The government red-flagged him? What? I’m thinking that maybe its because of the suspicious circs surround Lionel’s death, but still. When have they ever cared about the government before? This is the man that created a bunch of clones. And experimented on meteor freaks. And killed people. Oh wow, Lex has reached the level of evil that Hitler did, only without the mass genocide. Except if meteor freaks are a race, then he’s totally on par with Hitler. So, yeah. Lex is evil.

Agh, that music was annoying when Jimmy opened the door using that gaget. And I mean really annoying. I doubt I heard something as annoying as that, except for MAYBE Soulja Boy’s Crank That.

Yes, why would Jor-El send a message about Lana? Is she that important that even Jor-El knows about her? Sure, later its revealed that its from Kara, but still. Lana is not that important. And I still have no idea what that message was about.

Oh, and it supremely ticks me off that Lana is mentioned in every. single. episode, despite not being there, while there was absolutely no mention of Lois at all. This, pretty much more than anything, proves that the writers must have a hard-on for Lana.

When Jimmy went to talk to Clark – despite only interacting with him about three times prior over the last two years – it seemed extremely contrived. Like, as soon as Jimmy started talking about secrets, you knew immediately that Clark thought it was about him. Since, well, everything revolves around him. Actually, it should. Not Chloe.

But Clark’s big speech about secrets – which I pretty much tuned out, much more enthralled with flicking my retainer up and down in my mouth – was so stupid and slightly hypocritical. Seriously, no matter how heartfelt TW tries to make it, its going to be boring.

Oh God, no. When Clark brought up that Kara might be on Krypton, a sudden chill took over my body as I thought that he might want to travel to Krypton to see if anything is left. I’ve seen that before and all the lameness that it brought with it, and I do NOT want to see it again. Resist the urge, Clark!

My Chimmy love is officially dead. The way that Chloe used Jimmy to get into the club – exactly the way that the secret agent lady told Jimmy she would – was extremely awkward. Hell, the entire club scene was awkward. Jimmy’s tux was way over-the-top for the atmosphere, and Chloe seemed like she wanted to ditch Jimmy ASAP.

That dance they did? Possibly the lamest thing I have seen on Smallville so far. I mean, my mind draws a blank when trying to think of something lamer. I know it was trying to be all sexy and all that, and maybe trying to get all the fans of Dancing with the Stars and SYTYCD, but it failed. The two characters could not be more out of place on the dance floor, and looked like they were trying way too hard. The connection that is needed to be good partners was just totally gone, and so there was no way they could dance like that without a hell of a lot of choreography beforehand.

Jimmy forgot to give the valet his keys? That excuse ranks right up there with “I have to go check to see if I got my shipment from the Cheese of the Month Club.” And we know how that went over. Except Chloe wasn’t really thinking about her boyfriend as much as trying to hack into another satellite. *sighs* Will there ever be a functional relationship on the show?

So there’s ninja!Jimmy, in the same exact scene used in the teaser. Pretty much nothing added onto that, except for him delivering the data to the secret agent lady. Which makes me wonder – WTF? Why would employee health benefits be in a high-tech briefcase? Lame.

Fast-forward through that slightly-theraputic Chloe “interrogation” scene. Well, actually, let’s not. I thought the CIA got in trouble for using that kind of “interrogation” technique. Well, specifically waterboarding, but I’m pretty sure that they’re not allowed to torture anyone for information anymore.

Then Jimmy goes rogue and knocks out all the agents using the gagets they gave them. Okay, would be slightly impressive if this wasn’t a show about Superman, who can pretty much do all that using only his powers. And if the question “Why did they give someone who they couldn’t fully trust all sorts of weapons?” wasn’t running through my head. Then again, the US seems to have this tendency of giving weapons to rather hostile people *coughosamacough* I swear, I’ll stop the political statements.

So Jimmy’s video game is the lamest distraction ever. That’s really all I have to say about that.

Oh, wow. As soon as Jimmy and Chloe get back to Lois and Chloe’s apartment, Chloe starts acting all indignant that Jimmy was ‘spying’ on her. Nevermind that Jimmy just got her out of a whole hell of a lot of trouble, and that Chloe’s favorite hobby is spying on people. Really, it just seemed like Chloe was using that time-tested Lana technique of trying to turn her own problems onto another person, making them feel all guilty.

Jimmy, of course, fell for that bait hook, line, and sinker, defending himself and all that. And, somehow, Clark got brought up in the conversation. Clark, who had really no ties to Chloe that could be seen by Jimmy. It was almost as if the writers thought, “Crap! This show’s supposed to be about Clark! Let’s put a line in about him so viewers don’t forget!”

Cut to Lex opening the SDB in what I would believe is Zurich – so how did he get around all those red flags set up by the government? Oh well, just another plot hole to add to the swiss cheese of an episode. But this is something I can finally understand as secretive- not the information about employee health benefits.

And I don’t know about anything else, but that key-like thing that Lex found reminded me a lot of POTC: At World’s End, with the whole map thing. Which, I have to admit, was a rather enjoyable movie.

That guy trying to kill Lex? So from the same organization thing that sent the assassin to kill Gina. I’m actually thinking that he’s 5 4 23 1 18 4 20 1 5 7 21 5, for those of you who feel like cracking a rather simple code (hint: spoilers). Code because it distracted me a bit from the horrendous mess that was this episode, and I don’t want to spoil anyone who doesn’t want to be spoiled.

So Jimmy made a deal with Lex to get Chloe off the hook. Just wondering, why would Lex do anything for Chloe – he just fired her. And then Jimmy being in Lex’s debt just doesn’t seem like that much, until I actually got my brain stuck out of the muck and mire that was this episode and remembered that Lois and Jimmy are investigating Lex, and actually had proof that he killed Lionel. And that Chloe is one of the many people who knows Clark’s secret (64 at the last count).

So, Kara’s in the past, and Clark has to try and get her back to the future (“Where we’re going, we don’t need roads” lol) before Brainiac kills baby Kal-El. I dunno, but the whole repercussions of time travel make my brain hurt – if Brainiac kills Clark when he’s a baby, shouldn’t that already be evident in the future? So, by that logic, shouldn’t Clark know already that everything turns out to be okay?

But maybe that’s the whole premise of Apocalypse – that Clark goes back in time to try and save himself, fails, then goes back to the future and finds the AU. Sort of like in BTTF 2, when Biff gets the sports almanac to the past and changes Marty’s present.

So, Sleeper. A completely pointless filler episode filled with plot holes, contrivances, and time-wasters. I mean, this was as bad as Fierce, maybe even worse. The only scenes that are necessary to watch, IMO, is the last scene that sets up the whole time travel premise. And that’s not even that vital – I’m sure it will just be reiterated Thursday when Apocalypse (the first episode in a while that I’m actually going to sit down and watch the night it airs). You know, in a season of only 20 episodes, having so many of them crap really brings down the quality of the show.