I didn’t really have high hopes for this episode, what with being Lois-less and possibly the most gory episode of the season. In the end, it really was just an average episode, one that you could easily forget if it was stuck mid-season. Honestly, I’m not sure if it was good enough to be the second-to-last episode.

The opening scene is set – where else? – in Lex’s study. There are two different colored lights shining on Lex’s face, which probably was symbolizing a dichotomy (orange for his firery passion and desire, and blue for his icy demeanor), but all I really saw was a subtly placed ad for Gillette Fusion razors (which happen to have those exact colors). I really should stop watching this show. Its making me see advertisements everywhere.

So, the old Russian antiques expert guy (at least, I’m pretty sure he’s Russian… I’m horrible at discerning accents) is examining the gear thing that Lex got in Zurich (the lack of definitive names is making me feel extremely inarticulate). Of course, the mechanism cannot be fully exposed in Lex’s study, making the old guy want to take it back to his shop to study it more thoroughly. Why it has to be at specifically his shop, I’m still not sure about (if it were certain tools, I’m pretty sure Lex the billionaire could get them for him), but Lex is pretty adament about keeping the mechanism in the Luthor Mansion.

The old guy’s line – “your priceless heirloom has no value at all” – probably was supposed to be some sort of witty paradox, but it really just fell flat to me. Especially since Lex wasn’t having it be examined for the monetary value, but trying to find out how to control the Traveler. Obviously, the old guy doesn’t know that, but it just leaves an empty feeling inside.

Of course, the old guy gets his way, so Lex assigns a security detail to him 24/7. Yeah, sure, that will protect him. Especially since the term “Lex Luthor Security” is up there with “Military Intelligence” and “Reality TV” in the list of oxymorons. I mean, an example of the inadiquacy of his security is shown within the minute! Of course, I am referencing the 60 years or so old random leather jacket-wearing guy who somehow snuck through all the guards.

I get why Clark can do it – hell, he’s Superman. Kara’s Supergirl. Lois, Chloe, Jimmy, and Lana are all also understandable, all either familiar with the layout of the mansion or good at sneaking around. But an old guy? How incompetent are the guards?

To be fair, old guy #2 does have some skillz, especially considering how Lex fences and does martial arts and all that.

The guy, after completely overpowering Lex after a brief struggle, rips open Lex’s shirt and begins to carve a kite and a cross onto his chest. Hmmm… maybe old guy #2 wants to fly kites while telling Lex how he can save him from burning in hell for all eternity. I mean, seriously, you get past all the blood and the deep gashes in his chest, the image looks kind of silly.

To keep with the color analysis, while carving, the light on the faces went from orange to just blue, signaling the change from the passionate moment (fighting) to a more calculated moment (carving chests). Which, even while typing, sounds kind of weird.

Lex is in – where else? – the Smallville Medical Center, along with the guard that we get to know oh so well by the end of the season. It was a pretty pointless scene, besides pointing out that apparently a bank manager has more skillz than Lex.

It cuts to a shot of Jimmy, opening the door to the apartment above the Talon (hey, when was the last time we actually saw the inside of the Talon, barring the apartment? I can only think of Crimson, but that’s probably because of the load of fic I read; I somewhat hazily remember Kara working there). Chloe is just lying on the bed, directly in line of the door, making me think of how awkward it must be for Lois to sleep there when Jimmy’s over as well.

Chloe is reading The Tipping Point, which I (completely conicidentially) read just prior to viewing. Its pretty good, gets a little dry after a while, but basically talks about how there’s always this one factor that rockets something from nothingness to extreme popularity. Now, I could say something completely mean-spirited and say that Chloe is reading it in hopes of learning how to elevate herself above complete and utter mediocrity, but I won’t. I’m nice like that.

Because Jimmy is apparently the sole guy on the planet that would turn down sex in lieu of a mutilated chest (excluding maybe CSI guys), he completely ruins any romantic mood that Chloe was going for and pulled out the pics. After seeing them, Chloe of course hurridly tries to make an excuse, saying something about how “lately” there have been a lot more dead bodies around. Um, honey, I’m not sure “the past seven years” constitutes “lately”, especially when that’s a third of your life. I’d actually say that, technically, there have been fewer dead bodies this season than most – if not all – of the other seasons.

Since any weird symbols are apparently automatically Kryptonian, Chloe goes directly to Clark (do not pass go, do not collect $200) with pictures of Lex’s chest, pictures which she either had gotten or “borrowed” from Jimmy. Honestly, I wouldn’t put it past her. But she is extremely worried about Clark “steering [his] own ship”. Corny dialogue 2396, Chloe 0.

ANNNNDDDD, just to include you in on the wonderful process my mind goes through while writing notes for my reviews, here is my very next note: “Tom’s looking extra hot.” I really didn’t know how to work that in other than this way, so there you go.

The old guy (numero uno) is back in his shop, either guarded by two guards (which makes them twice as ineffective) or that girl is one of his apprentices. Er, was. Because, like with any Star Trek character wearing the red shirt, anyone that goes to look at something that is “a treat”, but will not be revealed to the viewer, you know they’re going to die.

Old guy #2 comes in and immediately kills the girl, leaving the useless guard alone with Old guy #1. Finally, its what we’ve been waiting for the entire time – the two old guys battling it out, seeing who’s the old guy that will come out on top and will shed the number labeling. Unfortunately, Lex cuts it short before any actual combat can begin, but I can only believe that it would have been epic. Like, the Greek poetry kind.

If you haven’t noticed, I’m sort of getting bored with this plot. Please excuse my lame attempts of spicing it up.

Cut back to Isis, a sad replacement for the Daily Planet. I mean, seriously, why must you have upwards of ten different screens all with the same display? I’d understand if it were Best Buy or something, but this is a non-profit organization. Right now, its looking like they’re racking up a huge electricity bill. I mean, I know Chloe’s all for the environment and all (the Yaris, anyone?) but using that much electrical equipment? Honey, you’re just negating any impact you might have had with your Yaris.

So, Lex’s mutilated chest is on every screen, and Clark is looking at each one of them for more clues (I’m sorry, but Da Vinci Code, much?). So, apparently, there’s more than just a kite and a cross, but also a weird star-like shape that also means something. Clark actually uses his brain to make a leap of logic that is required to make the plot actually work.

Apparently, he has to go to St. Christopher Church, since St. Christopher is the patron saint of travelers, of course (true!). The only St. Christopher Church on the continent is in Montreal (false!). I thought that was a little dubious, so I looked it up on Google – apparently, there’s a St. Christopher church 15 minutes from my house. I live in NorCal. If it were supposed to be a cathedral, well, I also checked – there wasn’t one at all in North America. But why did it have to be on this continent? They could have gone to Australia, Cuba, Bahrain, etc. It would have been more interesting than constantly having Clark go to Canada for random reasons (not that I have anything against Canada, but it seems to be the go-to place – besides China – for TPTB).

Chloe has officially crossed the line, IMO. “That’s probably how God felt about the Crusades.” Its the first of many allusions that Clark is God in this episode, unfortunately. Seriously, who’s directing this, Bryan Singer? Krzystof Kieslowski?

Now Chloe has switched from worshipping Clark to product placement. “Everything you need to know right at your fingertips.” I didn’t know that GPS on phones could handle superspeed. I may hate Chloe, but right now I’m feeling pretty sorry for Allison Mack. Her character has practically been reduced to someone from an infomercial. Like that guy who sells OxiClean or whatever.

Finally, Clark is at the church in Vancouver Montreal, and goes in. Then, after looking around briefly, he lifts up this stone… thing and checks the bottom of it. You know Clark, you do have x-ray vision. You could probably just look through the stone, getting all the information without potentially revealing yourself to weird monk guys.

The weird monk guy turns out to be an extremely deluded Edward Teague. Okay, what’s with everyone giving monks bad reps? First the Da Vinci Code, now Smallville… Er, I guess that’s not everyone.

“I didn’t ask to be worshipped. Putting me on a pedestal, that’s something that Veritas did.” And Chloe. And Lana. And pretty much everyone else who ever knew his secret. This really isn’t a new phenomenon, Clark.

Apparently, Teague has this crazy idea that his wife and son died for Clark. Erm, its sort of a mixture of died becasue of the power couple of Lex and Lana, and because of Clark’s disobedience. I don’t think they thought they were dying for a greater cause.

Teague also has this crazy idea that Clark needs to kill Lex. Because, of course, “Lex Luthor canot be allowed to control you. No one can.” Excepting Teague, of course. And I must note, there was a cross behind Teague, perhaps signifying that he believed he was doing this for a greater purpose, to serve a higher being. Or just because he’s in church, hell, I don’t know.

Lex apparently doesn’t follow the general rule of not drinking alcohol while taking medication. So Lex is all drugged out on the plane, probably on Vicodin. I will refrain from making any House comment besides this one.

Lets just skip the Chloe and Jimmy scene, since I only have one note on it about Chloe leaving a voicemail message vs leaving a text. The latter is much more discreet, you know.

Well, since Clark decided to actually follow his morals for once and refuse to kill Lex, Teague decided to tie him to this stone platform filled with liquid kryptonite. WTF? First of all, why would there be a huge stone platform with Kryptonian symbols lying around in a church? I may not go to chuch like, at all, but I’m pretty sure that’s not a standard feature. Second, where the hell did he get the liquid kryptonite? Was it the same place where the Stride people got it? I’m sensing a black market conspiracy here.

And, after being momentarily distracted by the sight of Tom’s chest, I’m just wondering why Teague is carving the symbol for hope in Clark’s chest. I know its the symbol for the house of El, but I think its sorta hypocritical, that he’s using that symbol while trying to take away hope for the world.

Lex, apparently completely oblivious to Clark in the main chapel, goes to one of those weird side rooms where the clock is housed. Lex fits his mechanism thing into the clock, and then we are treated to a CGI journey through the workings of the clock, which is only slightly more interesting than the journey through the air ducts in Sleeper. Just slightly. And it all winds up (please excuse the pun) to be a music box. Joy. Oh, and key that is – like always – in the shape of a pentagon.

Chloe shows up in Montreal and saves Clark. Wait- what? Apparently, she caught a ride from Ollie’s jet. Now, wouldn’t it be easier for Ollie just to have Bart check in on Clark? Or Ollie himself? Chloe doesn’t have to be a part of every single scene, you know.

Clark destroys the old clock – with his jacket actually zipped up!! – making me feel kinda sorry for the old guy. I mean, it was probably one of his dreams to see that clock, and he never was able to. For some reason, I have more of an attatchment to the old guy than to most of the other characters in this episode. Weird.

Yet another sign of my madness appears – behind Lex, I see a candleabra that just screams to me, “How many bars do you have?” The answer is one, of course, as living in a valley – even a highly populated one – doesn’t bode well for reception.

There’s one final loft scene that, just from skimming over some posts in this thread and some in the spoiler thread, hasn’t been recieved all that well. It is, of course, Chloe silently suggesting that Clark should kill Lex. I believe some of the exact phrases used were “pedestal” and “play God”. Now, the latter one really ties in with the rest of the Singer-esque episode (and that’s NOT a compliment), but the former one is pretty much an oft-repeated remark as to why both Chloe and Lana should not be Clark’s wife.

So, really, since the writers have practically taken an argument used by me among others as to why Chloe and co. shouldn’t be with Clark and presented it almost verbatem by Chloe, I view it as a writer’s silent show of support for Clois. Which is one of the few saving graces of this episode. But eh, I might be biased.

Lex, in finding the ball (hidden kind of obviously in the fireplace), is actually shown to be quite demonic, with his face appearing over the fire in the fireplace. Creepy. And weird.

And an episode just cannot end without something being ripped off of Lois and Clark. Enter Lex with the ball-thing, which magically becomes a globe. Then, of course, it points to the arctic where the Fortress is located. Which sets up for the next episode, Arctic (how foolish was I to actually speculate that it meant Clark was going off to training?). Woot. Feel my utter enthusiasm.

So finally, my month+ late review is done. While watching, it was somewhat enjoyable, but after reviewing the positive parts seem few and far between. I think I was more entertained by my brother’s misconception that Lex created global warming (since the laser created the hole in the ozone that’s above the arctic – please, don’t even try to figure out how he got any of that from this episode). The only parts that I was really digging were the reminders of episodes past, such as the mention of the barn door, the Kawatche caves, and even Naman and Sageeth (ah, the good old days).

In all, its a great episode to just let your mind wander and totally zone out to, but if you actually try to think it through, your brain implodes and it becomes a much worse experience. Believe me, I know.

DONE! haha